My Own Private Azkaban

And in other news...

With author J.K. Rowling's recent announcement that beloved Hogwart's headmaster of wizard ceremonies, Albus Dumbledore, is gay (what page was that on again?), thus outing the poor bastard in front of several shocked and confused Harry Potter fans, it makes me wonder what other unsavory revelations we delicate readers might be in store for about our not-so- humble-after-all cast of magic practicing misfits?

Nay, what satanic personality flaws, sullying half-truths and downright despicable distortions must we guard our fragile youths' Christian sensibilities from next?


Allow me...

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Just get a load of some of these in the latest line of unsettling assertions of the most cavalier, character-assassinating kind!

Imagine my surprise when I discovered that maudlin screen idol and Harry Potter portrayer himself, Daniel Radcliffe, is what's otherwise known in some blasphemous circles as a "Zoophile" and has had frequent sex with (gulp!) ... a horse!

Or, that red-headed hapless moppet Rupert Grint's, Ron Weasley, is actually ...

...a tranny!?!

And, undeniably, the most sordid of all horrible untruths being stirred up within the wicked black cauldron's stew that is the world wide web right now - Mom's, you may want to avert your toddlers' innocent gaze and cover their sensitive l'il ears for this next one ...

Witchy vixen Emma Watson's, Hermione Granger, is a ... is a... (gasp!)

... A TEENAGE GIRL!!!

The horror ... the horror.

With all of this lewd and lascivious muck-raking casting a hideous spell on our impressionable young scroll scryers might I strongly recommend to Ms. Rowling she carefully consider then the next topic of her EIGHTH and final installment in the Harry Potter series?

J.K., you now must address everything hidden in the Potter-verse closet, no matter how perverse, unseemly or indecorous it may appear on the page.

Yes, that's right, air out all of the wizard gangs' dirty Quidditch soiled laundry, and face head-on these contemptuous accusations by creating a tell-all tale of soul cleansing, written-word-as-ablution epic novel!

May I suggest you title it...

Dumbledore's Whores: Hogwart's Gone Wild!

(It's a Muggle Conspiracy, I tell ya, a Muggle Conspiracy; they've all been framed!)

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Anyway, just me trying to help uncover the cloak of invisibility on all of this dark matter.

Not to worry, though, kiddies, whatever happens in the end, rest assured, everything will turn out just...

"Fah-bu-lous!"

p.s. - Snape sleeps with Dumbledore!!!

p.p.s. - Ah, Dangit! Forgot to mention: Spoiler Alert! Spoiler Alert!

(p.p.p.s. - THIS IS SATIRE!)